Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
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Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?