If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
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My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
rapatouille
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”