I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
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Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Peace was never an option
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.