Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Kids: Stay in school.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.