[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
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Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.