On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
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Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Rt to bother an English speaker
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Interior design 👌
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
dude it’s called proctologist
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I needed a laugh this morning.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.