Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
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I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes