Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
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Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.