I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
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My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
why isn’t he texting back
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Imagine having a party on purpose.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
are there any atheist mantises?
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way