Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
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Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
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20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!