Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
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An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*