wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
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“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
This will never not be funny 😭
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed