My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
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I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.