Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
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the way this pissed me off… 😭
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Bloody internet 😳
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
fired
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
and now we wait
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone