Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
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Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!