mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 馃惔”]
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Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 馃槈
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
i could never be president. im overqualified.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you鈥檙e busy
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don鈥檛 understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they鈥檒l get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you鈥檙e having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it鈥檚 just a snack.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
8鈥檚 school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They鈥檝e given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke鈥檚 on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Quit coffee and now I鈥檓 like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.