Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
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[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
oh you like architecture? name three walls
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
The pasta is now
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!