Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
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Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries