I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
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Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.