Donating blood today to make room for more food
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If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Why are bridges so flammable.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
S M O L
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.