I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
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“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
wtf is an acronym
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you