jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
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Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them