if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
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Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.