New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
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I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”