*seductively eats two tums*
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A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.