Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
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I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
“no gods no masters” = leo
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan