Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
You Might Also Like
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
🥶🥶🐶🐶
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat