Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
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Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Someone just threatened to call me later
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”