Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
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PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Watson was Holmes schooled
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
won’t smith
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
They’re called werewolves.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Investing in beetcoin
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.