I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
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Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
what the
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Coffee is ready.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.