People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
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I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
The asteroid..
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups