Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
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If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Sunday
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
“I wouldn’t.”
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
barbara was highly relatable
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”