My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
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There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens