Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
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Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.