Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
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I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
What’s so funny?
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”