Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
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ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.