I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
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ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Breaking news:
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness