I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
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#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
That’s a good costume, I hope.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
much to think about