As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
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My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]