So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
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Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.