I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?