My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
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You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar