A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
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3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Breaking news:
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.