[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
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Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
What the hell is going on?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.