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“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes