NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
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the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*