if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
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Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
put ‘er there pardner!
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!