I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
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Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again