Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
You Might Also Like
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
This is a whole mood;
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.