[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
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its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know